Jen Hathaway

I knowwwwwwwww! I didn't even make it a week straight before I dropped the ball.
But, I'm going to continue...it may be in fits and starts, but I'll get to 100!

Today's happy is...*drum roll*...happy birthday to me!

I get to do that, right? Right.

I've had a pretty good birthday! I got lots of love from my friends online, a sweet card from dancing_adrift with lovely artwork by dephigravity (kissing boys ftw!), and had yummy cake and ice cream with my family. Pretty low-key, but that's okay!

Sometimes I wish I had a big group of friends I could go out and celebrate with, but I kind of think that's more of what's expected, what's the norm, than what I would actually enjoy. I'm pretty low-key normally, so it really would be out of character for me to go out on the town or have a big party. I guess it's just a little crappy to feel lonely on your birthday, but - ehhh.

BUT - I'm starting a new year, and that's always kind of exciting. I'm thinking about some new goals to try to achieve in the next year, ways I can work toward improving myself. Goal setting is always something that gets me hyped up, spurs my motivation. I don't always achieve them all, but that's okay. I keep working on them, revise and revisit and eventually I'll get there! 

So. I've seen this 100 Days of Happy floating around recently - a couple people I follow are doing it. Today I was discussing with my therapist the fact that I'm extremely hard on myself, which is a catalyst for my depression and anxiety. We talked about steps I could take to be a bit gentler with myself and switch my focus to positives as opposed to negatives. Since I'd seen this around, it came to mind and when I mentioned it, my therapist thought it was an excellent idea and urged me to try it (Yes, I'm in therapy, on antidepressants, and fight depression and anxiety every day - no shame!).

I did read up on the "official" challenge from the website (100 Happy Days), and while it's awesome, I'm going to make it my own. The original challenge is to post a photo each day - that doesn't work for me. I'd rather use words. I may use photos occassionally, but for me this is more about internal things, and being that I can't take pictures of my brain, I'll use my words instead. This also has nothing to do with being busy, which is what the original talks about. I live a pretty simple life - I go to work, love my cats, hang with my friends on the internet, read and write. I like my life, and I'm not one of those people who are driven to seek fame and fortune or to climb a corporate ladder - my measure of success is more about my relationships - with myself and others - than anything else. I won't be joining the website, and I won't be claiming "wins" or "losses" (that's one thing I have an issue with on the website - "you lose the challenge", "people who successfully complete the challenge" - that language is negative and defeatist, and I think misses the whole point of doing this). This is a therapeutic tool for me, a way to work on changing how I think - "fixing" that broken part of my brain that insists on trying to drag me down constantly. So - here goes.

Day 1
I am happy that I'm able to get the help I need.
I don't have good health insurance or expendable cash. I live paycheck to paycheck, so therapy becomes an "extra" for me. But there's a state-funded program that lets me see a therapist - usually once a month, occassionally more - for free. It's based on availability and demand, so if a time comes when there are other people who may be in crisis or worse off than I am seeking help, I may get bumped out of the program for a while, but for now it's working for me. I've been in and out of therapy since I was a teenager, sometimes stopping because I was doing well (or when I was younger because I didn't see the point of doing the work), sometimes because of financial reasons. I've been very lucky throughout my life to almost always have some kind of help available to me - sometimes it's been a huge struggle, sometimes it's been easier, but I've never gone very long without it when I really needed it. It's probably one of the main reasons I'm still here, still fighting. When I think of the "what if" - where I could potentially be right now if I didn't have help, it terrifies me. But I'm not there, I do have help - and that makes me happy.