gluedwithgold: (Default)
Mm-hmm. I should be doing any number of other things - the dishes, wrapping christmas presents, baking cookies - but, nope. I'd rather ramble on my LiveJournal, so *sticks tongue out like a bratty two-year-old* that's what I'm gonna do.

I think my last post here was about NaNoWriMo - which turned into NaNoWriNO. I ended up giving up. It's been over a month and I'm still kind of pissed at myself, but I just got so far behind that I was stressing so much I couldn't write. I'd make progress of a thousand words or so and realize "oh, I'm still 10k behind." So, in an effort to destress my life (which seems to be all I DO lately) I just threw in the towel. I got about 12k into one story, then switched gears and started a different one, got 3500 words in and THAT wasn't working either, so - bleh.

I haven't really done any significant writing since, either, and that needs to stop. I need to get back into it. I've put too much work into writing in the past year to stall now. But, I've been thinking about it the past couple days, and I think part of my attitude problem with my writing is that I don't feel like I've made any significant improvements in my skills - obviously just practice will garner some improvement, but I haven't put any real effort into bettering myself as a writer. Part of that is because I'm not sure what areas I really need to work on - it's a hard thing to see the faults in your own work, even when you're willing and driven to do the work to improve.

So I think my goal in the coming year is going to be to work through some of the writing books I have. A few months ago I found a used copy of one book in a series called "Write Great Fiction" - sounds lame, I know, but the techniques and exercises (at least in the first chapter I read) made a lot of sense to me. I ended up ordering two more from the series with a gift card I had, so now I have "Description & Setting", "Characters, Emotion & Viewpoint", and "Plot & Structure". So I think I'm going to work through those books and see what I can learn, what I can improve on. I may post the exercises I write here - not sure. Maybe I can turn some of them into SPN fic to keep them within my current interest/obsession. Who knows. But 2017 is going to be the year of study for me. And I'm going to try my damnedest to stick to my personal goal of writing at least 500 words every day.

Speaking of obsessions....
Eyewitness?
HOLY CRAP!
Not only did that show feed my fetish for pretty boys kissing, but the story! The characters!
With only 10 episodes, I kind of feel like it's the television equivalent of a short story - and a damn well-done one at that. There were a few loose ends/inconsistencies (like - what happened to Kamilah? And - how did Ryan know to look for the frying pan Lukas hit him with? It was in the woods, at night - how the hell did he find it with what I'm sure was a pretty decent concussion?) but overall, it was just a beautifully woven story with such vivid, dynamic characters and I just loved every minute of it!

At this point I've watched it probably 7 or 8 times - and I'm sure I'll purchase it at some point so I can always have it. (Hopefully it will be released on DVD? I really would love to add it to my collection.) At any rate - I love it. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. (And hey, it's only 10 episodes, so it's not too much of a time suck, right? Right.)

Christmas is just two days away and I'm actually dreading it. Which kind of sucks, because I used to love Christmas. I didn't even put up my tree this year! I know there's still time, but - really, what's the point? It's just me, I rarely have guests (and especially not this time of year) so I'd just be putting it up for a week or two of yelling at my cat to leave the ornaments alone.

I'm dreading Christmas day - family time. It's a strange thing that the older I get, the more I come to know myself, and the more I dislike my family and the way they treat people. There's this general air of unacceptance of anything outside of the "norm" and I'm just generally more and more intolerant of it. And it's not even that I lead any sort of alternative lifestyle - thank goodness because I can't imagine how that would go over - but I constantly feel judged just because I don't do things the way they think they should be done. Just because I have no desire to follow the typical life path they are comfortable with. So, time with family will be spent treading water, giving civil but terse responses to any questions posed to me, otherwise staying quiet and probably drinking a lot of whiskey. At this point even the fact that I'm expected to be there pisses me off - what if I didn't want to celebrate christmas? I'm not christian, so the standard religious conotations of the holiday bear no import to me. I used to consider myself pagan, and the celebration of the changing of the seasons and the rebirth of the sun made sense to me - but now? I don't even find any joy in that, so what's the point in celebrating this holiday? It's a completely secular event for me which only comes with obligations that I begrudgingly fulfill. (Yeah, I kind of sound a bit like a petulant, rebellious teenager here, huh? Guess I'll just do what I do - suck it up and deal until it's over.)

Well, THAT got whiny and depressing. On to more positive things!

I've been listening to Kaleo pretty much non-stop lately. (Thank you, Jared and Jensen, for putting them on my radar!) I'm not sure what it is about the album, but it's pretty damn happy-making for me. I don't think I've even really listened to the lyrics of the songs (something I unfortunately rarely do) but the music just gets me. It's mellow without being either depressing or sappy - it's just chill and I love that. Again, I highly recommend it - if you haven't had a listen yet, give it a search on YouTube (the albumn is called A/B - there are a few artists called Kaleo - this one only has this one album.).

Alright, I suppose that's all I have to ramble on about for now. If you've made it this far - you deserve a cookie! (Everyone deserves a cookie!) I'm off to do - something. Productive. Probably. Maybe.

Pre-post edit: I just spent half an hour scrolling through twitter when I got distracted while reading through this for typos. The procrastination force is strong with me!
gluedwithgold: (Default)
*dusts off her LJ*

Yeah, I kind of dropped out for a while. But, I figure it's time to pull my head out of the sand and take a look around again.

Yup, I've been hiding from social media. I've been mourning.

Read more... )
gluedwithgold: (Default)
Today's happy is a day off spent quietly in bed!

I took a vacation day today, and aside from trips to the kitchen for food and drink and visits to the bathroom, I didn't get out of bed! I got no phone calls or texts, and I even avoided checking my work email! It. Was. Awesome!

I had intended to spend the day writing, but when I woke up, I just wasn't feeling it. So, I didn't, and I didn't even feel bad about it. I read a lot, posted a bunch over at spn_writing and chatted with friends online. I even took the lazy route and ordered pizza for dinner so all I had to do was answer the door.

Days like this usually tend to leave me groggy, and I'm feeling that now - but tomorrow I'll feel rested and recharged so it's totally worth it. So tomorrow it's back to work, and I'm actually not dreading the week. Sometimes it's just a really good idea to take a day just for yourself! 
gluedwithgold: (Default)
I mentioned in yesterday's post that [livejournal.com profile] dancing_adrift sent me a birthday card with artwork by dephigravity - I went out today for a frame for it! Haven't put it on the wall yet, because my little section of SPN Love doesn't really have any more room, so I'm going to have to rearrange some things - but here it is! *infinite heart eyes*



I certainly have a soft spot for kissing boys - and this art makes me so happy! <3 Thanks, Amanda!
gluedwithgold: (Default)
Well, you knew it was just a matter of time.
It was inevitable.
Had to happen.

Today's happy? J2.

CshrCvOVMAA0x-i.jpg

Whether it's watching Supernatural, gag reels, con videos, or reading (and writing) fanfic, these two beautiful, sexy, goofy dorks make me smile.

As I mentioned yesterday, it's been a rough couple of days for me. I do whatever I can to pull myself out of these episodes of deep depression, if one thing doesn't work I move on and try another. Today (while I was supposed to be working...shhhh!) I tried watching the videos from Dallas con. It had me laughing out loud, and after a long weekend of feeling so down I could barely get out of bed, that felt really fucking good. It lifted my spirits enough that I was able to go for a walk after work, and the fresh air and excercise improved my mood even more. So things are looking up, and J2 helped.

(The new CW sizzle reel with them "comparing swords" didn't hurt matters, either - still giggling about that one!)
gluedwithgold: (Default)
Another easy one today.

Writing is my happy place!!!

After yesterday's autumn love-fest, I was talking to friends about how much we all love fall, and today was the FIRST DAY of fall, and there were google doodles and fall-themed Jared aesthetics, and the whole thing just gave me the fanfic feels. I just got this neeeeeeed to write beautiful boys cuddling under a big maple tree with bright orange leaves all around them and the sun filtering through and *swooooooons*

So, yeah - I've written about 2000 words of a mini-story, it'll probably wind up somewhere around 3-4k words (which is an odd length for me, I usually write one-scene ficlets that are about 1k, or full stories that are 10k on up - this one's totally different!). I'll hopefully finish that tomorrow, edit over the weekend, so there should be new fic posted from me soon! Woohoo!

But yeah, writing is so my happy place. I love the way my brain latches on to an image or a story premise, and doesn't let go until I've worked it out to a full-fledged idea. I love the a-ha moment when it all comes together in my head. I love starting to write, those first, tentative sentences flowing out onto the screen, then I pause and re-read, make a few adjustments to get the engine going then all of a sudden I'm off and the words are flowing, my fingers flying over the keyboard, and before I know it I've gotten a full page written with characters starting to come to life and the scene set and things are starting to happen.

When I write, I have this calm focus that I don't have any other time. My brain shuts down all the chatter - all that negative self-talk, all the worry and wondering what if, all the memories of things past that I can't do anything about but my brain latches onto anyway. When I'm writing, it's just me and the story. It's an escape, a way of transporting myself into another world for a while, but unlike reading or watching movies or television, when I come back from that escape I have something to show for it. I've created this world, these characters, this story - and hopefully it's good, hopefully it's something other people will want to read and get some enjoyment from. Because if I need to escape the world I live in for a little while, shouldn't I want to do that in a way that might benefit others? In a way that gives other people the same kind of escape that I need? Shouldn't there be something positive to come out of all the shit I have to deal with and fight all the time, something good from the way in which I deal with it? Yeah. I love writing. 
gluedwithgold: (Default)
Today's an easy one.
Autumn.
Autumn makes me happy.

It's not quite fully autumn yet, but it's getting close. As I drove to work this morning, there were more trees tinged with color, the valleys were filled with fog and the mountains had a shawl of low-hanging clouds that you just never see except in autumn.
I've always loved fall best. I was one of those kids who really loved school, so fall signalled the return to learning, new pencils and notebooks, and chilly early morning walks to school.

It's an odd thing, but I've always considered fall to be the start of the year. Even though everything is dying, that's when I seem to come alive, and that's when things feel renewed for me. I often make changes in my life in the fall, akin to new year's resolutions.

I sleep better once the days get shorter and the nights colder. I adore wrapping up in a cozy hoodie or sweater. I love the crunch of fallen leaves under my feet. The color palette of autumn pleases me to no end. The squirrels and chipmunks scurry around busily collecting stores for the winter. And the smell - there's nothing quite like the crisp, rustic scent of the air and leaves in the woods in autumn. *heart eyes*

So, yeah. Tomorrow is the autumnal equinox, and you can bet I'll be finding some time to be outside.

(Yes, this is in my town. No it's not my photo. But you're still jealous, aren't you?) ;-p
gluedwithgold: (Default)
I almost forgot to do this today, which would be just like me - to start something all gung-ho and then drop it, not finish it. It's actually almost 2am, so technically it's already tomorrow, but whatever. I can't sleep and my mind is racing so I need to do something right now, and this just ended up being it.

I've actually thought about this several times throughout the day today, and I don't know whether it's just my current headspace or if it's really just this hard - but I had a terrible time coming up with something to write about. But then, laying in bed trying to sleep it hit me - right in the face with a huge DUH!

My friends. I am so grateful for them and I get so much happiness from the time I spend with them. I'm kind of socially awkward and tend to be quite shy, so the internet is the best social outlet for me - and I've been lucky enough to befriend two wonderful women who have accepted me - as I am, for who I am, no exceptions - and who have become very dear to me. I've never had such close friends before, and it amazes me on a daily basis. I just love them. Happily. *dorky grin*

I'm going to try to go to sleep now.
gluedwithgold: (Default)
So. I've seen this 100 Days of Happy floating around recently - a couple people I follow are doing it. Today I was discussing with my therapist the fact that I'm extremely hard on myself, which is a catalyst for my depression and anxiety. We talked about steps I could take to be a bit gentler with myself and switch my focus to positives as opposed to negatives. Since I'd seen this around, it came to mind and when I mentioned it, my therapist thought it was an excellent idea and urged me to try it (Yes, I'm in therapy, on antidepressants, and fight depression and anxiety every day - no shame!).

I did read up on the "official" challenge from the website (100 Happy Days), and while it's awesome, I'm going to make it my own. The original challenge is to post a photo each day - that doesn't work for me. I'd rather use words. I may use photos occassionally, but for me this is more about internal things, and being that I can't take pictures of my brain, I'll use my words instead. This also has nothing to do with being busy, which is what the original talks about. I live a pretty simple life - I go to work, love my cats, hang with my friends on the internet, read and write. I like my life, and I'm not one of those people who are driven to seek fame and fortune or to climb a corporate ladder - my measure of success is more about my relationships - with myself and others - than anything else. I won't be joining the website, and I won't be claiming "wins" or "losses" (that's one thing I have an issue with on the website - "you lose the challenge", "people who successfully complete the challenge" - that language is negative and defeatist, and I think misses the whole point of doing this). This is a therapeutic tool for me, a way to work on changing how I think - "fixing" that broken part of my brain that insists on trying to drag me down constantly. So - here goes.

Day 1
I am happy that I'm able to get the help I need.
I don't have good health insurance or expendable cash. I live paycheck to paycheck, so therapy becomes an "extra" for me. But there's a state-funded program that lets me see a therapist - usually once a month, occassionally more - for free. It's based on availability and demand, so if a time comes when there are other people who may be in crisis or worse off than I am seeking help, I may get bumped out of the program for a while, but for now it's working for me. I've been in and out of therapy since I was a teenager, sometimes stopping because I was doing well (or when I was younger because I didn't see the point of doing the work), sometimes because of financial reasons. I've been very lucky throughout my life to almost always have some kind of help available to me - sometimes it's been a huge struggle, sometimes it's been easier, but I've never gone very long without it when I really needed it. It's probably one of the main reasons I'm still here, still fighting. When I think of the "what if" - where I could potentially be right now if I didn't have help, it terrifies me. But I'm not there, I do have help - and that makes me happy.
gluedwithgold: (Default)
1. Are you named after someone?
Nope. My parents just chose the most popular name they could find when I was born. (Seriously - high school English, FIVE girls named Jennifer in one classroom. My poor teacher about went insane.)

2. When was the last time you cried?
From happiness: yesterday, because my friends love me.
From sadness: four days ago, because I get stupidly emotional when I'm overtired and someone said something I took the wrong way and boom! waterworks.


3. Do you like your handwriting?
Everyone tells me I have beautiful handwriting, but I'm not so convinced. *side-eyes everyone*

4. What is your favorite lunch meat?
herb-roasted turkey *drools*

5. Do you have any kids?
Hell no. Don't want them. Probably can't have them.
(I do have cats, though, so - furkids!)

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Probably? Maybe? I don't know! Why are you asking me such weird questions! *hyperventilates*

7. Do you use sarcasm?
I don't know what you're talking about.

8. Do you still have your tonsils?
I do. Unless I don't have tonsils. You never know - I could be some crazy tonsil-less freak. It might be my superpower.

9. Would you bungee?
No. Hell no. FUCK no. *plants feet firmly on the ground*

10. What is your favorite cereal?
Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch FTW!!!

11 Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Pfft...no.

12. Do you think you’re strong?
I've recently come to believe I am. When you take stock of all the crap you've been through in your life, it's kind of hard not to come to that conclusion.

13. What is your favorite ice cream?
It's a toss up between mint chocolate chip and this one regional brand that has one called Espresso Therapy - espresso ice cream with chocolate covered almonds *drools more*

14. What’s the first thing you notice about someone?
Hair. Then lips.

15. Red or pink?
Umm...neither? Unless by red you mean a dark, rich burgundy, and then I'll go with red.

16. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
Procrastination. Which I'm doing right now, by filling this out. How ironic.

17. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now?
I am barefoot and pantsless. How d'ya like me now?

18. What was the last thing you ate?
I'm currently snaking on donut holes.

19. What are you listening to right now?
The rain outside my window.

20. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
The darkest midnight blue.

21. What’s your favorite smell?
Autumn. Or coffee. Coffee in autumn!!

22. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Probably my dad, not sure.

23. What’s your favorite sport to watch?
Supernatural. (seriously - it's one hell of a marathon!)

24. What’s your real hair color?
Brown. Currently it's black though.

25. What’s your eye color?
Blue-grey

26. Do you wear contacts?
No. Tried them once and had a seizure right there in the optometrist's office. So, it's the librarian look for me.

27. What’s your favorite food?
It changes with my mood, my currently level of motivation for getting healthy, and the seasons.
And I'm not going that in-depth, shut up!

28. Scary movie or happy ending?
Both! I just love stories....

29. Last movie you watched?
Brokeback Mountain. Fucking sad as fuck. Screw me and my catch-up-on-pop-culture-I-missed whims.

30. What color shirt are you wearing?
Black.

31. Summer or winter?
Fall. (I'm such a rebel.)
But if I had to choose, winter. Because summer sucks. Summer can go eat a dick.

32. Hugs or kisses?
Both. All the hugs, all the kisses. All the snuggles and cuddles and smooches and...
(wow I've been alone a long time *sheepish grin*)

33. What’s your favorite dessert?
Ice cream.

34. What book are you reading?
You what book did I start and not finish because of the siren call of fanfiction?
The Kick-Ass Writer by Chuck Wendig, and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig

35. What is your profile pic?
Anti-possession symbol. Because my LJ needs to be protected from demons, too.

36. What did you last watch on TV?
Supernatural. Dark Side of the Moon. Because apparently I felt like crying.

37. Favorite sound?
Okay. *unpacks her weirdness for all to see* The quiet of a snowy morning. Seriously. Love it. I wouldn't lie.

38. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
Both.

39. What is the farthest you’ve been from home?
Wisconsin. (Yes, that's a mere 1000 miles from home. *sobs*)

40. Do you have a special talent?
Does epic procrastination count?

41. Where were you born?
North Adams, Massachusetts. But only for as long as they kept newborns in the hospital in 1972, then I went home to Vermont. Where I still am.
gluedwithgold: (Default)
My plan for this weekend was simple. Really. I was going to write. I was going to spend the weekend with my laptop and challenge myself to see how many words I could pump out. It was going to be great.

Except.

I managed to catch a case of insomnia this past week, and by Friday night I was exhausted. I went to bed early knowing my brain was in no condition to function and put together coherent thoughts, but...guess what? Still couldn't sleep. I was up until 3 a.m. Thinking about writing. This one story idea I have just latched onto my brain and would not let go. If I had a brain recorder, that I could then download and convert into text? The damn story would be 3/4 finished by now.

I did end up getting about 5 hours of sleep, and though not totally rested, I decided to go ahead with the plan and write my weekend away. I schlepped myself out of bed and got dressed, went out to get some groceries (writers need nourishment!) then headed back home.

And then. There. On my doorstep. A package.

I was confused - I hadn't ordered anything, wasn't expecting anything but bills and junk mail.
I picked it up and looked at the return address - MY FRIENDS SENT ME A PACKAGE! WOOHOO!!

Seeing as they'd just been to Minn Con the previous weekend, I expected they'd picked up some cool SPN schwag for me - because they are awesome like that! So I began tearing at the envelope (enormous, padded envelope, stuffed full). Hacked at it with scissors, got frustrated as hell and started cursing - until I noticed the pull-tab on the side. I ripped it open and pull out... another damn padded envelope! But this one was easier to open, and soon I was sliding the contents out. There was a card, addressed to me with much love from Sammie and Amanda (heart-eyes - of course - I love those two so much!). I turned over the object in my hand... identify it as a picture frame... I look at the photo in it... Jared Padalecki! (more heart-eyes!) But then... what's that? Is that? NO! It can't be! OH MY GOD WHAT DID THEY DO????

THE FUCKING PHOTO IS SIGNED BY JARED PADALECKI!!!!!!!!!



My eyes immediately start tearing up, and my hands start shaking. My wonderful, beautiful, amazing friends got an autograph for me! I tear into the card - which turns out to be a beautiful artwork by dephigravity from a fic I adore - and read all about how they missed me and wanted me to be at the con with them, they had an extra autograph from a package they'd bought and decided they needed to give it to me! There was also the story of the autograph itself - including sweetness, smiles and gummy bears (heart-eyes!) and a mention of the back of the frame (which I'd not noticed yet) - I turned the frame over and there were more messages from my friends on the back of the photo. By the time I finished reading everything, I'm literally crying. This package was filled with so much love and friendship it just blew me away!

You see, I am not "one of the popular kids" - I'm socially anxious and shy, which makes me pretty awkward, I tend to be very introverted as well as pretty closed off. I just don't connect with people. I don't create the bonds with other folks that make them miss me or think about me when I'm not around. So, even though I'm nearly 44 years old, this is the first time anyone has ever done something so meaningful for me. I connect with these two women on a deeper level than I have with anyone I've considered a friend before - the only comparable person in my life is my sister. It's fucking amazing.

So why am I blathering on about this on the internet? Because this is a perfect example of the power of the SPN Family, of fandom. People say you can't really make friends on the internet, that it's not real. Well, they're wrong. Through the internet, through the SPN Family, I have met true, absolutely amazing friends. I love them with my whole heart. They bring me joy every day, I am a better person for having them in my life, I like myself (dare I say - love myself?) more because of them. They give me inspiration, comfort, laughter, and always, always love.

So, thank you, [livejournal.com profile] dancing_adrift and [livejournal.com profile] non_tiembo_mala. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being amazing, wonderful, creative, funny, patient and kind. Thank you for loving me. I love you back a thousandfold. <3

So, needless to say, I didn't get much writing done this weekend - I was too busy squeeing and basking in the love of my friends. Although I am getting some words down tonight. Really! I am! I swear!


Top Left: Amanda and Sam; Bottom Left: Autographed photo of Jared Padalecki;
Top Right: card with artwork of Jared by dephigravity for dugindeep (hotsauce)'s Refracted

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