gluedwithgold: (Default)
[personal profile] gluedwithgold
*dusts off her LJ*

Yeah, I kind of dropped out for a while. But, I figure it's time to pull my head out of the sand and take a look around again.

Yup, I've been hiding from social media. I've been mourning.

I am not a political person. I'm not an activist. I rarely take a stand on anything. It's just who I am, and generally I'm okay with that. I donate to a select few charities that are deeply meaningful to me (there are more I'd like to donate to, but I just can't afford it) and that's pretty much the extent of my involvement in the "world at large".

So, suffice it to say, this election has gotten my head spinning. The campaign process was torturous - I don't watch a lot of live TV (2 shows to be exact, SPN and TWD), don't listen to the radio and don't read newspapers. You'd think I would have had a buffer for the mud-slinging but, nope. It still seeped through via social media, friends and family. And then, the bastard won. I did vote, something I'm not consistent with - but this election felt dangerous enough that I couldn't not vote.

By the time November 8 rolled around I had convinced myself there was no way trump could win - my own way of dealing (or rather, not dealing) with the anxiety the campaign was causing me. When I woke up on November 9 to see that he had in fact won, I was numb. And then the fear set in.

That's where I'm at now. I'm terrified. Not so much about what he will actually do in office - what I'm most scared of are the things I'm already seeing. There are so many hateful people in this country, and trump has essentially given them carte blanche to say and do whatever they want. I still don't follow current events, but again - it seeps through. I've seen horrible racial slurs, homophobic slurs, women mugged and beaten based on their religion. And I know I'm only seeing a small part of it. I stopped watching the news years ago because it worsened my anxiety and depression - I fear it's even worse now. Why can't we all just get along? *sobs and flails*

And then, there's the guilt. I know if I got involved I would become part of the solution. I know it would serve to assuage my fear. I know that those who are already fighting need everyone they can get to make things happen. But I just - can't. I am so bogged down with anxiety and depression that I can barely manage my own life, much less adding anything to it. I just don't have the energy. And yet I'm wracked with guilt because I feel like I should do something. I try to comfort myself with the knowledge that I am actively a good, kind person - the little things: holding doors, letting people out in traffic, sincerely thanking the cashier who looks like she's having an awful day. I try my best to keep everything I put out into the world positive and full of love. Because that's something I can do. It's small, but I feel it makes a difference. But now, I don't feel like it's enough. And at the same time, I don't feel that I can do more. *sigh*

So that's where I'm at with the state of the world.

In my own little world, this past weekend I went to visit my dear friend [livejournal.com profile] non_tiembo_mala in Canada. It was the first time I'd left the country (aside from a day-trip to Montreal when I was in high school that I barely remember - we're talking 1980s folks, it was a long time ago). Lots of things threw me off - gas is measured in liters? speed limits are kilometers? What??? But, I had an amazing time with Sam, ate lots of good food (fuck yeah, poutine!) and watched four Star Wars movies (yes, my nerducation is coming along nicely!). Crossing the border was anxiety-inducing, especially since they made me stop and go into the little building while they - I still don't know - googled me, maybe? - and the trip home was looooong due to an accident slowing down traffic on the thruway, but all in all it was an awesome weekend! The only way it could have been better would have been if [livejournal.com profile] dancing_adrift had been there, too! <3

Writing right now is... well... slow going. I'm at about 13k words for my NaNoWriMo, way behind. And unfortunately I've been very uninspired with my original chosen story so I've started working on a different one - a post-apocalyptic J2 AU. I'll still write the coming of age story, because I still love it - and I've written over 10k words already - but it's going to wait. Part of me just wants to scrap the whole idea of NaNoWriMo altogether and just watch Netflix. But I refuse to admit defeat! I can still catch up, I can I swear! I will do this! Maybe not in the way I had originally planned - but I think planning is part of my problem - I sucked the excitement right out of the story by working through it too much. But that's all a part of learning to write, right? I've got to know what works for me and what shuts me down. So, I'll keep plugging along, and by November 30 I WILL have 50k words written!

Can I include this post in my word count? *sheepish grin*

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